I know I'm getting better. I can see the sun setting on my depression. This whole thing is almost over. I feel less sad; less incapacitated. My appetite for life is returning in a big way. I have wild dreams again! Ones that incorporate the things I hold most dear--writing, traveling, and helping people. Most importantly, I no longer want to die. No longer want to waste away. I want to LIVE, and although I still spend the majority of my days in bed--sometimes with the curtains closed, sometimes with them open--I'm actively fighting my demons. Crying less. Hoping more.

I'm right fucking there. Breakthrough is coming, I know it. I FEEL it.

I've been everywhere from mild to severely depressed in the last year. For a lot of different reasons--feeling stuck and uninspired, having to cancel my attendance to Boston University, and mostly, watching a really great love disintegrate. Moving on from something like that has been an essential life lesson. It's so hard some days--especially today. Most of the time I think, 'I'm too young for this shit,' but I'm starting to realize my purpose in life is a bit more demanding than others. Which, unfortunately, translates into me experiencing more shit than others.

I'm old and weary inside.

I've always felt like I was meant to be something great. It's not a narcissistic, arrogant, or inflated opinion of myself. There's just always been an inner-knowing that I'm meant for something greater. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me. It's not something I walk around telling people. It's a secret that has plagued me my entire life. I'm special--a child born from a prophetic dream. My existence/calling/destiny is more intense than others. I guess someone thought I could handle it?

I'm the black sheep of my family--the kid who always caused drama. I went to a performing arts school instead of a regular high school like the rest of my family. I dated a crazy girl for four years. Got kicked out of my house at 18. MARRIED at 18. Divorced by 21. The list goes on... I have different views and desires than my parents. It's so weird. Why am I so weird?

Ever since I was young, I've been stuck with this unquenchable desire to GET THE FUCK OUT. Like, you guys don't even know. I've always wanted to escape. It's an itch that, for the life of me, I can't scratch. The Cycle makes me sick. Depressed. I'm not meant for this life. Have you ever felt like that? Like the life of school and marriage and babies and career and death is just not for you?

The only difference between Then Vanessa and Now Vanessa is that I've come to accept I can never be anything I'm not. I can't waste my time or energy trying to fit myself in a box. I gotta do what I gotta do, no matter the cost.It's the only way I'll find peace.

It is my duty as a child of God to make myself readily and wholly available to Him, and give this life a real shot. He made me this way, so there's gotta be a reason. What's His purpose? Do I need to expand my horizon or change my environment to become what I'm meant to become? HELP.

The reason I'm still fighting depression right now is because I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I don't know what the next step is... I know what I want from life, but I don't know how to get it. What does God want? Days pass by like a blur of rise-and-shine and 3-meals-a-day and asleep-by-midnight; repeat. Remember how I said I hate The Cycle? I meant it.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do--wait or pursue? And if it's the latter, what the heck am I supposed to pursue? I could really use a clue! HELP.

Everything you can possibly imagine is against me right now, but... something is about to happen. Something big. Something scary. Something YES. What is it, 'cause I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm running on empty. Come on, God. I've sowed in tears and now I'm ready for the harvest. I'm ready for that breakthrough. Show me the way, Lord. Show me what you got. Blow me away!