It's the last day of the year 2,013, and I can't say I'm not glad to see it. This year has been a wintry one, and there was little warmth to be found in the embrace of its shaking arms. But, I've made it to the end with all my limbs intact--earning only a few minor cuts and bruises--and that is something to be thankful for.
2012 was so much different. It felt like summer all year long. It was the year I took back my life, my health, my dreams and my passions. Falling in love with everything was a magical, magical experience, but it didn't last long. Despite having a stable job, a new car, money that enabled me to live for pleasure, I was empty and itching for more. Always itching for more.
So, I hatched a plan to save up money and run off to Europe for six months. I even sat my parents down, poured out my soul like it was a damn therapy session (yes, tears were shed from all parties), and for the first time in my life, I gave my parents a slice of my heart that I had been keeping to myself for as long as I could remember. They were scared shitless, but on board. I have awesome parents.
Somehow, along the way, I lost that dream and decided college was the answer. My escape. I applied to a few schools and once I got the acceptance letter from Boston, my travel plans (which were so much more than that), were forgotten. Discarded. Thrown out. And in the end, Boston didn't work out either.
Square one.
Blank slate.
As hard as it is to be right back at the beginning, I do marvelously with blank slates.
2014 is my fucking year. I'm saying it now. I said something similar before the start of 2013, but now I'm a seasoned pro. I'm battle-scarred. And this is my year--the one I've been waiting for my whole life.
I'm not much of a numbers girl, but 2+0+1+4= 7. And seven is the perfect number. Seven is lucky. Seven is blessed. I'm ready to be blessed.
I think the biggest lesson I learned this year was obedience. Which is probably the hardest lesson to learn when you're a 22-year-old hedonist. But that's what I wanted from my relationship with God (why, oh why, did I ask for that?), and that is what He gave me.
When I wanted to quit my job because it was sickening my soul and making me depressed, the Lord told me "No." When I wanted to go to Boston despite the outrageous cost, the Lord told me "No." When I wanted to be with someone whom I was desperately in love with, the Lord told me "No." And I had to say "Okay, Lord." There may have been a lot of complaining--okay, kicking and screaming--but eventually I managed to do what He asked.
I guess to some people reading my blog, that sounds like too much sacrifice and too many missed opportunities, but just wait. You'll see the fruit these sacrifices will bear.
I accomplished very little of what I wanted to do in 2013, but I learned a few invaluable lessons!
1. Rid yourself of anything and everything that harms you. Whether it's people, jobs, habits, goals or beliefs that just don't feel right... get rid of them. I did. Even ones that were ingrained in me. Carved into my very bones. I ripped them out and I'm living for myself now. I'm happy.
2. You're perfect the way you are. I tried for so long to make myself into someone I wasn't. Someone who dressed like everyone else. Someone who was sociable and outgoing. Someone to be desired. Honestly, fuck that. All of that. I like dressing like a boy most days, and being social exhausts me, and I'm not outgoing unless I love you first, and I certainly wasn't put on this earth to be everyone's friend or object of desire. I'm perfect this way, and if you're not about it, then you don't deserve me. Friend or otherwise.
3. Everything you're doing is fine, don't push yourself too hard. I had all these ridiculous goals at the beginning of the year: become a speed reader, read the classics, run 25 miles a week, learn Spanish and French, play the piano, write a book--and absolutely none of that worked out. S'okay, though. I read like 100,000 words per day and maybe some of it is T.S. Eliot and maybe some of it is Johnlock_123 or whatever, but it doesn't matter because I read more than the average person and I'm wicked smart because of it. And maybe I don't run 25 miles a week (more like 10-20), and I don't play the piano (and I never will because god no), and maybe I didn't write a book, but I will eventually, and I wrote a lot of amazing prose and poetry this year (more than any other year), and I'm a great writer!
Although 2013 was the roughest year of my life, it's only going to get better from here. I'm done being sad. I still have my faith, my God, my lovely (if few) friends, my books, my poetry, my talent, my fire, and my still-beating heart. There's so much to be grateful for! There's so much to look forward to!
2014, I'm ready for you.
I wish you all a year of adventure, wild freedom, exponential growth, outrageous fortune, and love love love.
V
No comments:
Post a Comment